The Cleanse


That right there in the picture above + water is all I’ve eaten (read had to drink) for 10 days straight. Lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper. Who thinks of these combinations?

I’ve been wanting to do something to jump start some weight-loss, plus I liked the idea of cleansing the inside. (Believe me – I was cleansed.) From June 28th to July 7th I drank 8-10 glasses of this lemonade, ms and cayenne pepper concoction for meals. I actually did NOT feel very hungry and I DID have energy. I also got some mouth sores and after a while the cayenne burned my throat on the way down. Right off the bat I realized that I thought about food A LOT in regular life, as in – What will I eat forConclusion: Life is pretty boring when you subtract food/eating.

I also drank warm sea salt water every morning to cleanse. That was the worst. I tried to convince my mind that it was broth but my mind remained unconvinced. I never even got close to the 32 oz they recommended. But once everything was cleared out (thank you laxatives) the salt water rushed right through me as it was meant to – and I’m not talking about peepee, uh huh.

On the upside – I lost 8 lbs in 10 days. I lost 5 in the first 2-3 days and then plateaued for a few days – I guess that was the “water weight” that people always talk about. I don’t even know what water weight is – I suppose I do now… The weight did continue to come off and I am now 6 lbs away from my goal – which is still a plump me, never-fear, but 14 lbs less plump than I was.

Confession: I didn’t actually make it until this morning as I had originally planned – By late yesterday afternoon I was feeling sick and migraine-y. I was out of maple syrup and didn’t want to buy more for half a day. I think my body was just OVER the cleanse. I ate watermelon and cherries and a little bit of grilled chicken last night. I confess. It’s unusual for me to not see something through to the end and to punk out right at the finish line – but, well, I do have four little people who depend on me and my body needed food. (I also started exercising the last couple days of the cleanse which helped the weight loss but also contributed to me feeling nasty…)

All in all, I consider this one more training exercise preparing me for being a contestant on Survivor or surviving an apocalyptic situation – whichever comes first.

Everything in This Post is a Lie

The Following Foods DO NOT HAVE ANY CALORIES!:

1. Any French Fries left at the bottom of the McDonald’s bag.

2. Cookie dough directly off the beater.

3. Ice Cream licked off of your kid’s melting cone.

4. Every single Potato Chip that is folded in half is calorie free. They are a gift from the Lord Himself to His children. Chips that are folded over twice actually help you lose weight.









Everything in this post is a lie.

The proof? Multiple posts that proclaim that I am plump:

I suppose you get the picture.

Everything in this post is a lie, yet for some reason, I still believe it.

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I’d really like to lose some weight.

I also really love to eat.

This is a dilemma I’ve struggled with my whole life.

Occasionally I remind myself that there is an answer to this conundrum, a figurative and literal having my cake and eating it too. You may recognize it by its common name,


I’d like to think carrying an overflowing basket of dirty clothes from the third floor down to the basement laundry and back up again would be a valid substitute for traditional exercise, but sadly, the waistband of my jeans cutting into my stomach fat tells me otherwise.

In my book, grocery shopping should also be considered exercise. Load the bags in the cart, into the car, out of the car, up to the first landing, up to the second floor and then bend over lots of times to empty the bags and put the food away. That has got to equal a run around the track or 74 jumping jacks at least.

My thighs beg to differ.

The truth is, I’d really like to lose some weight.

But I also really love to eat.